thursday, October 26th

if it were an external pathogen, I would understand more, as it was with Covid
in the case of cancer, however, there is no ongoing war, the immune system doesn’t recognize cancer cells as evil because they are part of the body, generated by it. it’s not an external enemy that has breached the walls to conquer the fortress

it’s not even a betrayal

but it doesn’t mean you’re bad

you’re just hungry and in the bathroom
you just took the wrong path because you’re half asleep

I am very calm and clear; the diagnosis did not shake me

when I entered the ward, the doctor led me a little embarrassed towards the office with the desk and comfortable chairs: I think having the responsibility to deliver such news is never an easy task

I looked at her, smiled
“A., there’s nothing strange about what you have to tell me, illness is a normal part of life, and I am very calm. you can speak freely.”
and she took a breath, smiled, and we started talking about dreams and plans, things to do

we immediately did two tests at six in the evening and scheduled another for tomorrow

on Monday, the Grand Council of Wizards of Hogwarts Oncology will meet, and they will also discuss my case: the screening phase has begun to understand everything we can, who we are dealing with, and how to treat it

it’s at least stage three
I say “at least” because I have to anticipate this possibility until the tests say yes or no, but I don’t want to have this idea in my head right now

stage three means you can still try; stage four, on the other hand, means you’re not playing to try to win but to keep playing for as long as possible

I asked everyone to tell me what they would like to do to be happy together with me: sometimes you think you know, but you take for granted that on the other side is a person who is not you and always has something different in mind than you do

the news shocks everyone, but what shocks them even more is the fact that I am so happy and serene, and that I worry about being happy and making them happy

thursday, November 2nd

today, the first oncology visit:
I have 6 months of chemotherapy ahead, then surgery, followed by radiotherapy and more chemotherapy

this is regardless of what the brain CT and the total body PET will tell me: the two exams that will reveal if we are really in the third stage or if the door to the fourth stage has also opened

the purpose of the therapy may change based on the results, and therefore the types of drugs may change, but the process remains the same

friday, November 3rd

today, I talked on the phone for an hour with V.
an hour, on the phone, me: absurd

this phone call did me a lot of good

I found a support that gives me security, like a hug that knows everything, and V. found in me many good vibes, the right attitude

we envisioned how the time I’ll spend in therapy will be: I can already see myself holding court with everyone, creating the circle of “marafone” [a card’s game], messing with the heads of patients and nurses… oh my, so many stories to listen to!!! So many people and lives I will get to know

sunday, November 12th

perhaps this carousel is spinning too fast for me to understand how I feel
I know what I think, but I don’t know how I feel about it

it’s a very fast carousel ride
I am clear-headed and calm, but everything is happening very quickly

I am tossed right and left between tests, medical visits, consultations, bureaucracies, installations of medical devices, dressings, phone calls, emails, information to search for, information to receive, reports to understand, appointments to keep, accountant, lawyer, bank, insurance, forensic doctor, friends, relatives, mom, husband

too fast to understand where I am

lunches, meetings, exams, visits, documents, interviews, signatures, esthetician, eyebrows, hairdresser, class dinner, photographer, work, oncologist

oncologist

I like my oncologist; she is strict, focused, I need that. but she has kind eyes
today is Sunday. tomorrow, I have the PET scan. the famous PET scan. the feared PET scan.

am I scared? I don’t know. what am I afraid of, anyway?
I am claustrophobic, I fear enclosed spaces. I suffer from vertigo, I fear heights…but can you exactly be afraid of an illness?

I don’t even know how to describe this thing, but it’s the only thing I think about: how do I tell others now? How do I not make them feel bad? How do I help them feel good?

when little Gilda [the dog] was unwell this summer, and we didn’t know what would happen to her, how was I? how do you feel when you fear losing something you know you can’t replace?

how do you handle that fear?
I still don’t know, but I have time to figure it out…

meanwhile, in a week or so, I should start chemotherapy, and it’s not exactly something I’m eagerly looking forward to…

monday, November 13, 2023 – Letter delivered to nuclear medicine along with many silly stickers:

for Davide, the beer pong wizard: It’s true I had the drops, but you didn’t leave me for a moment, so my claustrophobia behaved well
for Francesca, born on April 14, who was even shyer as a child than now, and I think you will always be less so: you deserve a bit of irreverence, I know
for the blonde and curly nurse who has endured an Aries since she was 6 years old: saintly patience! but maybe your secret is the smile: who can break in the face of that?
for the receptionist who loves red, and rightly so! because it’s as immense as you. you have a modern and tidy handwriting, like a teenager but with experience: even from there, it’s clear you love city life
for the doctor, beautiful, light, so calm and patient: I wish I had that tranquility
for the technician who let me in through the first glass door and greeted me when I was closing the last one, saying, “How are you, everything okay?” a kind teddy
for the girl with the ponytail who was about to go up to clean the stairs and sweeps the sidewalk every morning at home with clips in her hair like little girls: how beautiful to remain children even when grown-ups!
if you want, one is also for the nurse on the other side of the landing, whom we all want to see smile:

THANKS, you made my day

it was an important day for me today
now, on a sheet of paper circulating somewhere, something about me is written that decides my near and distant future, whatever is written there for you, it was just another workday; for me, it was the day that decides all the other days, and I’m happy to have spent it with you

you made it a golden memory

tuesday, November 14

I underwent a new examination I knew nothing about, discovered another part of the world, and I am also discovering new parts of myself that I had never tested, that I had never had the opportunity to know

and it’s interesting; it’s a new journey

I live, and in the meantime, I know and learn and grow and change and love and have fun
a diagnosis doesn’t change this
it may change how, perhaps, but it doesn’t change that I live and learn and grow and change and love and have fun

Telegram, secret group, Lady Sara, [November 17, 2023, 21:39:54]:

I wanted to close the club myself and liven up their Friday night

doctors and nurses were getting bored waiting for 6:00 PM to start the weekend, so I started with a bang! I’ve been barely saved for an allergic reaction to the drug ^_^

the first hour with the preparatory drugs went smoothly… AND!!! NEWS!!!! they put the cooling helmet on me to see if I can prevent hair loss or at least minimize it! look how stunning I am, hahaha

then we started with the chemotherapy, and within 5 seconds, I had an adverse reaction, living one of those Grey’s Anatomy scenes where they draw the curtains around your bed, and 8 doctors and nurses rush to you, doing things and attaching you to those machines that play your heartbeat, and there’s always a doctor calling you by name and saying all those emergency phrases: “Sara, breathe! Sara, I’m here with you. Sara, listen to my voice, breathe, take long breaths.” and with the stethoscope, they listen inside you, maybe to your soul

I loved him 💖

it all started with warmth in the chest, and in 5 seconds, I was turning purple, my chest tightened, the throat tightened, not swelling, tightening, as if strangled from within

the stomach tightened and twisted, strangled by severe cramps and sharp pains, intense nausea
heat was raging everywhere, a fire
and the arms!!! as if my arms were being struck by lightning!!! legs curled up
fiery red eyes, purple face
I screamed and then begged, writhed, and then cried

they shot something straight into my heart through the venous catheter, and slowly, gradually, I improved; I couldn’t say how long, but it wasn’t fast

then I became like a stone, heavy and immobile. many doctors arrived. I recovered a couple of hours later, and we decided to try the second scheduled chemotherapy drug, and everything went well, without any issues: so we managed to do something ^_^

for the rest, everything went very well ^_^

I made some jokes with the young gentlemen over 70 who were in the room with me, and above all, I experienced something new also today, something I had never done, something absurd that made me feel the power of life flowing through my tissues, so powerful that it can overturn its entire world if something is not right: ASTONISHING!

and all that power was inside me, already there, dormant but not so much, at attention, ready to help me in five seconds flat: the time of ten drops

saturday, November 18

the breast has already changed, now it sways a bit and moves, before it was so firm that it was immobile

my body answered my question:
“Will my body be ready to face the therapy?”
yes, the answer is YES!

“You’re good,”  the oncologist told me the other day
“YOU’RE VEDY GOOD”

And I was moved, I shed a couple of tears
it’s nice to hear it, even if you don’t know if it’s true
even if you don’t know why they said it, with what motivations

saturday, November 25: the day after

I’m happy, I have a beautiful light smile on my crimson face due to the cortisone

nausea last night and cramps, a tumultuous stomach, I move slowly, speak in a hushed and slow manner as if not to disturb myself

in short, I thought the first cycle of therapy would go smoother, nothing terrible, mind you! but for the first one, I expected less nausea, fewer cramps
in theory, it always gets worse from here, so I was hoping for a softer starting level

the day on Dec 01, 2023, at 23:57, LadySara info@ladysaratattoo.it wrote:

Re: update

I’m not upset, not angry, sad, or regretful
there are no “I’m sorry” to choose not to say because there are no “I’m sorry” to think about
illness is just something that is part of life: it is a normal thing that happens to those who are alive, not a strange thing to be sorry for

so many things have happened to me in life that I had never even considered looking for, and yet, thank God they happened, and I discovered how much beauty they contained, beauty I would never have found

imagine that I studied accounting and business economics, I wanted to be a tough and ruthless manager, always on the go with a 24-hour schedule in hand. imagine that I wanted to live in a penthouse in the city center, in a big city like New York, and I hated the mountains. imagine that I never dreamed of getting married, the white dress really gave me hives from an early age, I never even let my Barbies get married!

but I’ve learned that I probably never understood a damn thing about what suits me, and I’ve learned very well to find hidden wonders everywhere
and have fun living

this is just a new thing in my life that creates organizational needs in the most malleable form, but it’s just a thing in life, not a bad thing

I have found a thousand positive aspects and beautiful people, souls to meet, lives to encounter, dreams to architect, smiles to ignite, sparks to trigger

but in life, they are always there, regardless of the cause that creates them, and I will go through them slowly as I go through the good days and moments of joy, and I am sure I will have a lot of fun in the meantime ^_^

tuesday, December 5th

I can’t go to the gym because I’m immunocompromised… and the treadmill at home is a beautiful thing!!! with Bluetooth speakers, it’s a big party!!!

wednesday, December 6th

I kept brushing, and they kept falling

I didn’t expect it,
not so quickly… WHY DO I STILL HAVE HAIR ON THE REST OF MY BODY, DAMN IT!!!
I mean, I’m doing the cap for the hair, right?! … I thought the body hair would fall first, RIGHT?!?!

saturday, December 9th

I had the wig fitting

I have to shave them tonight
DAMN! I wasn’t ready

I thought of washing them calmly tomorrow, seeing them fall again, but still having some time to prepare myself for it

I’ve always had natural hair, each curl a whim, wild white streaks, very recognizable, a distinctive sign of social differentiation

monday, December 18th

I stopped at the supermarket to buy milk for making the béchamel sauce for the Christmas lasagna

I was in the refrigerated aisle when a woman, never seen before, never known, I don’t know who she is, but she starts talking as if it were normal to strike up a conversation with a stranger:

“Sara!” in a worried tone, “how are you?”
“Very well” I smile and continue searching for yogurt
“I’m Tizia”
“Yes?”
“I wrote to you on Instagram…”                                                                                                                                                     “Ah! For what? Many people write to me” I try to smile and not be rude while continuing to look for yogurt, and she continues talking with this desperate tone…
“You know, I wrote to you because we have something in common…” “You know, health-wise…”

in short: a stranger stops me at the supermarket fridge and talks to me about her tumor and my tumor, asking me private things about my diagnosis, the therapy I’m undergoing, how it’s going, she tells me she couldn’t have the red chemo because she couldn’t stand it, asks me personal clinical details, wants to tell me about her difficulties…

I’m not your friend
You’re a stranger
I was happy at the supermarket buying milk for Christmas lasagna, and I came out stunned

I have to learn how to handle these things, to protect myself from these things, which then ruin my mood, and my mood now has a significant impact on the state of my body

I woke up petrified from fibromyalgia, sunk into the mattress as if I weighed 500kg
and it makes sense… because I finished tattooing at 11:30 pm yesterday

I should do like normal people who, at 8:00 pm, declare: “It’s late, working hours are over, let’s finish another time” and yet I love my job, and I pull myself into it because seeing the awesomeness that comes out of my hands makes me happy

and I don’t know, eh… whether it’s since I started with the new work method split in half or since the diagnosis arrived, but it seems to me that my tattoos are cooler than before

objectively: they are cooler than before

so I continue to be amazed every day by myself
this disease is putting my self-esteem back in place
it seems like I’m starting to see it too, that I have something beautiful to shine

Saturday, December 30th

can happens from time to time

immunocompromised and therefore always at home, and not even on New Year’s Eve, because everyone is sick out there, and I really can’t risk getting sick

and I feel like exploding, I guess

because I really wanted to go out, have dinner outside, dance on the restaurant tables, live music, laugh, joke, not think about who you are

I wanted to have fun, put on my black jumpsuit, and the white wig specifically bought for New Year’s Eve

but no

[So much coolness – pre-therapy exams – for New Year’s Eve]

January 1, 2024

I transcribe my diary
write the article
check the shop prices and order confirmation emails
edit the photos
edit the video of when I cut my hair

and I go out with the news:

“I have news to share, and there’s no better way and day to say it, so I’ll be as direct as a romantic punch in the stomach, as always:
it’s called advanced stage three breast cancer 🥰🚀

a very rare and aggressive type of breast cancer.

I’m fine
physically and mentally

I am very calm and clear-headed, I have always seen illness and death as normal things that happen to those who are alive, and they don’t shock me 🙃 I have taken the news as an opportunity to be even happier and make my loved ones happy 🥰 and to open myself up to changes I would have never considered

THE END.

[Romantic photos by Francesca Tramonti]

but I’ve shared everything I wanted to tell you so that curious ones won’t pester me with repetitive questions
so that those who care about me know that I’m doing well
so that those who wish me ill can laugh and cheer for karma
and so that those who take pleasure in being close to me can do so in a way that uplifts me

I wanted to share many more anecdotes to include everyone in this story because if these two months have been fantastic, it’s not just thanks to my strange ability to always look at the positive side of things, it’s also thanks to all the people who created these moments with me

I would have liked to dedicate a few lines to each one, so they don’t think they weren’t important

they were, indeed

to the friend who, in sweet silence, continued to post photos on my social media not to raise suspicions and give me time to reorganize my life

to the nurses who joked with me from the first squirt of ultrasound gel, the first blood draw, the first scalpel

I was terrified when I had to insert the central venous catheter, spent two nights trying to figure out on the internet why not to, while nurse E. did it in a second, talking to me about poppies

to the friend I was supposed to tell ten minutes later, sitting at a bar with a drink in hand, but ended up telling on the street as I told my undertaker

to my undertaker who I met by chance under the arcades in the square and told him the news while giving him directions about my funeral: I want to do it while I’m still alive

to my night family who organized a fantastic reunion in a nightclub dancing all night for me: I was supposed to be there that night, but I started therapy on Friday instead of Monday

to the doctors who answered the 3,852 questions I ask per minute because I’m curious as hell, but knowing something about what I’m going through helps me not be afraid

to the nurse with the secret tattoo on her buttock

to the friends who gave me a thousand different turbans, embracing my heart…and not satisfied, they played with me all afternoon with brightly colored theatrical wigs, like 4-year-old kids

to the friend who lent me all those wigs, a woman with a full life who freed it up for me in a second, with total nonchalance

to the doctor who sings scout songs when the going gets tough – and I think on the evening of October 25, before opening the door to give me the diagnosis, she sang them

to Nurse F. who called himself Edoardo for two weeks, in total tranquility, responding as if it were his name

and to the other Nurse F. who was the first to lie to me for the brain that records the traumatic event: he pretended to start the drug and walked away, my body started the shock symptoms, and he, very calmly on the other side of the room, told me: “Sara, I didn’t start the drug… I knew this would happen to you” I really loved you too

to my family rich in women who for generations have filled dining rooms with laughter, red lipstick, and Sangiovese

to the doctor who gave me calming drops to hang around my neck and always carry with me because otherwise, there’s no way I’m getting into those hellish tubes called magnetic resonances or the like

to the friends I told on WhatsApp who drank to me, ate cookies for me, and cried while laughing because they didn’t understand a damn thing: well, I’m as happy as hell in this period, it confuses a bit

to the MRI technician who made me feel cool even dressed in a transparent blue gown, black panties, white socks, and pink shoe covers, high on drops

to my Mom, who I told everything with a smile, so she really understood the news only three days later because it seems like I’m telling her what I did on Sunday, not that I have advanced-stage cancer

to my Dad, who always remains as stable as a rock and doesn’t let me fall anywhere, but hugs me more lately

to the emergency room nurse who saw me arrive terrified of making a mess with a shot not shaped like a shot, but more like a dildo, I mean, a dildo – and then we spent Saturday night together with doctors talking about psychiatric illnesses and homemade distilled spirits

to the cardiologist whose eyes sparkled as we watched my heart beat together and I was amazed by life like a 4-year-old child, but I watched a golden, white, and fluorescent yellow wave twirl with my heartbeat as if it were a battle drum: it seemed like witnessing the miracle of life

to all the clients in these months who never made me feel sick, but always precious, and who embraced my need to change the cards on the table, and in the end, we discovered together that it’s even better than before

to the friend I told while waiting for Pakistani lunch: always silent and mysterious, but I think he uttered only 8 words in the next two hours, then he wrote to me every week to remind me that I’m fantastic

to the tattoo artists to whom I asked: let’s open a big tattoo studio together? and they replied: let’s talk about it!

to the dermopigmentist who gave me a night appointment to tattoo my eyebrows before starting chemotherapy or I wouldn’t have been able to tattoo them anymore

to my classmate, also an insurance agent, to whom I told among the first, very bluntly, and he had just returned from his honeymoon

and to my classmate to whom I told among the first, because – I didn’t even know – but she knows everything about this world

and both still kept the secret while in the class chat, I had set up a betting pool on who guessed the big news I would tell them at the class dinner, 15 days later

to friends who, instead of saying “I’m sorry,” reacted by sending me poems by GioEvan, photos of flowers in the garden, photos of cities at night illuminated in gold, Zelig videos, Bon Jovi songs, photos of cookie packages, memories of life together, or the ultrasound of a new life that is being created

to the nurses who decorated the therapy room and their blue uniforms with my new set of irreverent stickers full of pinkish middle fingers in all sauces

I have decided to make my physical condition public because I have always done so in the past and sharing what happens to me has always given me the opportunity to do something beautiful, to make my situation useful in some way, even if it’s something small

from day zero, I thought about the economic side of this story because as an Italian businesswoman with a VAT number, these are things you have to think about quickly, as you don’t have the protection of an employment contract, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you find yourself living under a bridge, and with cancer

I know I am intelligent and have a lot of cross-functional skills; tattooing is certainly not the only thing I know how to do, but it is definitely the only thing I have always used to pay the bills

Will changes be necessary?

certainly, for this summer, there is a long technical stop from tattoos but until then, I want to continue tattooing because it truly makes me happy to sneak into your lives. as long as I can do it with the right energy, I want to find a way to do it ^_^

then there’s my SHOP’n’ROCK, which for the first time since its inception will NOT aim to raise funds for charitable organizations: this time the support is directed to me ^_^
covering the world with the colors of my paintings and with the FANCULO t-shirts that do good to the soul like never before

from day zero, however, I have also been active in designing fundraising projects related to this new reality of mine, projects that we are still creating together with the clinic that is treating me, romantic and rock projects together, projects that can make even a cancer diagnosis useful

Strange, huh? that from day zero when I opened my VAT number 12 years ago, I have organized charity events every year for the same clinic that is now treating me? Especially on October 15: World Breast Cancer Day
even though I have neither relatives nor friends nor acquaintances with an oncological history, I have always wanted to support this clinic

What can I do?
many things for sure, like having fun with it

With love, but always irreverent

L A D Y S A R A